So I Fucked Up

I have to meet my potential new flatmates tomorrow. In light of this I was a bit anxious to get my current living situation sorted out. So here is the e-mail exchange between The Twat and myself that took place today

From: Dhana

Sent: 24 September 2009 10:32

To: The Twat

Subject: Tenants

Hi The Twat

I'm being chased by Lucy and Ulrike asking if you've managed to set a

time to meet them. Would it be possible for you to let them know when

you're hoping to see them please? I think I've already sent on their

contact details to you, but here they are again.

Lucy - 079whatever

Ulrike - 078whatever

Ulrike has a boyfriend who she says will visit from time to time, so

perhaps that is not ideal? She's also looking for a shorter term let.

I'm not sure what your impressions were of Louise, but from the two

people above I reckon Lucy is probably going to be a better fit for you.

I told her you like the flat to be clean at all times and she's of the

same opinion. She's looking to live with someone who's got their own

stuff going on so she has some space which the flat is perfect for so

she wont cramp you. I also get the impression Lucy is more sociable than

Ulrike and possibly more considerate? She's single, has single friends

in Clapham she goes out with and has some interests in common with you

(telly etc.) so I reckon she'd definitely be worth meeting.

I'm not sure if Tate have been in touch with you, but the new person

replacing me will have to undergo referencing and this could take up to

a week according to them. I'll have to undergo referencing with the new

agency too and I'll need to arrange for my room to be cleaned prior to

leaving so I'd really appreciate it if you could come to a decision soon

so we're both not rushed. I know you don't want to hurry things and take

your time, but seeing as there's not been any more interest in the room

and it's only 10 days to the date I want to move out I thought it'd be

best to get things going. When I started looking for a new place rooms

came and went pretty quickly. They're both probably looking at other

places as well so you may need to make a decision on someone before they

possibly choose somewhere else.

Thanks,

Dhana

A reasonable request you'd think. I don't want to live with him and he has stated he doesn't want to live with me.

From: The Twat

Sent: 24 September 2009

To: Dhana

Subject: RE: Tenants

Do me a favour then….tell Ulrike that the room has been let to someone else and I will arrange to meet lucy….i thought lou was fine, so I will decide between them 2 and offer one of them the room

Fair enough. I thought Ulrike wouldn't be a good fit for this place anyway.

I duly let her know and I waited. And I waited. And then I waited some more.Then I sent The Twat this today

From: Dhana

Sent: 28 September 2009

To: The Twat

Subject: New Flatmate

Hi The Twat,

Have you made a decision yet?

Thanks,

Dhana

The reply was:

From: The Twat

Sent: 28 September 2009

To: Dhana

Subject: RE: Tenants

I txt the girl I thought was alright and got no reply, the other girl I

wasn't too keen on, have another viewing tonite at 7....will u be able

to tidy room?

The Twat

Alright, now we're getting somewhere. Note he has not used please, thank you, and all those other niceties society demands. Rude fucker. Anyway, I told him it wasn't a problem and tried to see whom he'd offered the place to:

From: Dhana

Sent: 28 September 2009

To: The Twat

Subject: New Flatmate

Yup no problem.

Who is the one you texted? Lou?

And he comes back with:

From:
The Twat
Sent: 28 September 2009
To: Dhana
Subject: RE: Tenants


No, lucy..
The Twat

When The Twat told me he'd offered Lucy the place I wasn't sure whether I should be happy for her because she'd gotten the place or sorry for her because she'd have to live with The Twat. I did know she was a bit worried about finding somewhere to live so I texted her and let her know The Twat's reply asking if he'd gotten in touch with her. Anyway, shortly afterwards I got this:

From: The Twat

Sent: 28 September 2009 14:11

To: Dhana

Subject: RE: Tenants

Sorry, it was lou I txt

What the fuck? Is it so difficult to get a name right? Bear in mind that Lucy now thinks The Twat wants her to live in our place. Fuck. I am going to have to break the news to her. Brilliant. Anyway, I also tried to see if she could check on why Louise didn't want to move into the place so I e-mailed her as well. She's found out a couple of her friends are also looking to move so she's going to join forces with them. Good for her. So after my research I mailed the twat with the following:

From: Dhana

Sent: 28 September 2009 15:04

To: The Twat

Subject: RE: Tenants

Ok. I just got in touch with them both. Lou has e-mailed me saying she

has found some friends to move in within a couple of months so she

doesn't want the room.

Lucy is still keen to move in with you.

I need to meet the people I am going to move in with tomorrow to

finalise the references, deposit,dates, etc. Would be really good if we

can get it sorted before the end of the month mate. I would really

appreciate it.

Thanks,

Dhana

Civil, polite and succint I thought. And here is my reply:

From: The Twat

Sent: 28 September 2009

To: Dhana

Subject: RE: Tenants

I am doing it as fast as poss.....lucy was a bit wierd

The Twat

She is not weird you dumb, inconsiderate fuck.

You are the weird fucker. The weird bastard who wont screw the tops back onto the bottles, the dickhead who wont shut the fridge when he's done with it, the cunt who keeps nicking my food without so much as a "by your leave", the putrescent maggotshite who keeps leaving hairs in the bath, the wankfuck who is so deaf he has to listen to the telly at volumes that only people on the wrong side of ninety should need, the inconsiderate nincompoop who cannot understand that life is not about what you can get away with but about how you treat your fellow men, the hypocritical arselicker who is completely oblivious to all the stupid things you do constantly and will probably never realise.

That is what is weird. Not that poor, sweet, nervous girl whom you're rejecting because you have the power to do it.

If the Gods I believe in are real then one day you will get what you deserve. But people like you rarely do. You'll get everything you ever wanted, you'll never realise how much you hurt the people around you, but for one thing I thank the Gods, and it is that I will never, ever, ever, be like you.

False Alarm?

The Twat has told me that he is going to interview Lucy and another girl who expressed interest in living here, Louise and make a decision.

He interviewed Lucy on Thursday. She tells me she feels she messed up and is probably not going to be chosen to live here. I'm glad in a way that she wont have to live here. She's too nice and the Twat will probably walk all over her if she does. You never know though, hidden depths and all that.

So I guess this will mean that Louise wins by default? I don't know, you probably have a better idea than I do because the Twat has not spoken to me since earlier this week. In the meantime numerous e-mails he has been copied in on to the estate agents trying to sort out what portion of the deposit needs to be returned to me have all gone unanswered by the Twat.

The petty vindictiveness he is displaying at me moving out is ridiculous. Perhaps he secrely has a crush on me?

Also, the underwear he's left on the dining table is still there. Fucking hypocrite.

Thievery Incorporated

I bake a lot. It's a fun hobby. I get to mix up some mushy things with sugar and butter, lick the spoon, stick it in the oven and it comes out like something from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I also like the finer things in life. Faced with the choice between buying a kilo of value chocolate and 100 grams of chocolate that is so fine it needs to be licked by a cat before it's fit for human consumption I will always choose the latter. The premise behind the baking is why pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to make something I can make better myself, and the latter, well, life's too short to eat value chocolate.

One of the things that should have set alarm bells ringing in my head when I moved in with the Twat was the things he bought to share would always be from the budget range. So while I was buying Twinings tea aged in an oak barrel that the Earl of Sandwich once puked in my flatmate would reciprocate with Somerfield Value teabags. I'd buy Boasters cookies (with real Belgian Chocolate Chips!) and he'd respond with Asda Value Digestives and so forth. I had a go at him about this once and his reaction was to sulk and then eat the rest of my cookies.

Since we fell out, the notion of sharing these nice things I get for myself on my meagre wages with this Twat is repulsive to me. I have my self respect and if I dislike someone I will go to great lengths to avoid being in their thrall. However, the Twat clearly does not feel this way. I arrived home today and there is one teabag left. I very much doubt the twat will buy tea that matches what he's been stealing from me to replace it. I also bought a new packet of biscuits the other day to use as the base for some baking. I changed my mind and made cupcakes instead of cheesecake so the biscuits weren't required. However, as soon as I reached into the cupboard to open the biscuits to have with my tea, guess what I found? Yup, the twat has opened the biscuits and had at them.

Do people like this ever realise how stupid they're being?

It's Like 10000 Twats

I got the following e-mail from the Twat today:

Dhana,

I have lou coming rd tonite at 7, can u pls make sure yr room is tidy and open the window to air it a little...
Cheers,

Firstly, a grown man who e-mails in text speak. What the fuck is that about?

Anyway, I sorted out my room and opened the window as requested. I do this before every viewing anyway, so a bit wankish of the Twat to try and imply I am unclean. He's the person who goes days without showering and still leaves fucking hairs in the bath.

So Lou comes to see the flat. She's no Lucy, but she'd probably be a good fit. She seems a bit feisty.

However, as soon as she leaves I see what the Twat has left on the dining table.

It is a shitload of underwear.

It has been there for at least two days.

Fucking rich of the Twat to ask me to clean my room when he cannot clean up his own washing.

Handing Over

Well, the end seems to be in sight. That is unless the Twat doesn't try and perform any additional acts of sabotage.

He asked to take over the advert today. I'm beyond caring so I've handed it over. I've also been told by the agency that I'll need to give two month's notice to vacate this place so I've instructed them to proceed as though I've given them that notice.

The way I see it, he's got two choices. He picks someone he wants to live with from the ones I've chosen and sets up a new tenancy agreement with them. Else, I move out on the 1st of October to somewhere new, wait for the two months for them to return my deposit and let him rot.

However, I think the unreasonable bastard will probably want me to pay the agency fee to have a new contract drawn up. This is not happening. Worst case scenario, if I have to, then I will tough out the two remaining months of my notice here. I'm one of the most easygoing people you'll ever meet, but I can be an obstinate donkey if I put my mind to it.

Foresight Is Terrible

I have just had an argument with the Twat.

It stopped just short of blows being thrown and him trying to shut the door in my face. It's safe to say there's a good chance that this guy is mentally unbalanced. The reason for the argument? He wants to charge whoever moves in an extra £100 to live in the room I want to vacate. This would mean they'd be paying the same rent as he would be for his much larger room. He is either a petty, vindictive thief, or delusional if he thinks someone would actually do that.

How do people like this live with themselves? Does he not realise that charging someone the same rent as he's paying for the larger room will cause resentment? There's also the small fact that nobody in their right mind would be willing to pay the rent he's asking for. I've looked around and for that amount of money you could live in somewhere much, much better than this and with sane people too.

This all makes arranging for the Twat to meet the people who've liked the flat difficult. I knew he'd try and sabotage me moving out, but I've got no idea why. He's clearly stated that he hates living with me, and he wants to veto whoever it is who moves in. I've acceded to the criteria that he wanted to impose so I'm really not seeing what the problem is. I wish he'd also mentioned that he wants to fleece them for the rent as well.

Oh, and get this. He says the rent I was paying was only what it was because it was a "favour" to me. When I mentioned to him that I'm actually paying £100 more than what I agreed to when we moved in initially he had no comment to it apart from that there would be other people willing to pay more money for this place. What a money grubbing cunt.

Another Viewing

I had a voicemail from someone called Lucy today. She wants to come see the flat. She sounds like a sweet girl and I felt terribly bad when I heard her voicemail. It was the hesitant, scared and slightly awkward type. The type of voicemail I'd leave a girl when asking her out over the phone when I was fifteen. Except Lucy is looking for somewhere to live and not for a date.

I told the Twatmate that someone'd be over to see the flat at 6.00pm today. He didn't respond. No grunt, no okay, just nothing. He is now lying shirtless on the couch in the living room watching the football. I wonder if it's unreasonable of me to ask him to put a shirt on. I'd not wander around shirtless if a stranger were about to visit the flat, but maybe up north things are different? Fuck, I hate being a stranger in this country.

I hope Lucy does not have to live here with this twat, but hell, perhaps she'll break down and kill the wanker.

The Prodigal Twatmate Returns

He is back from holiday and it looks like someone's forgotten their sunblock.

I even helped the moron bring his bag upstairs. I think he said thanks but I can't remember if he did or not. Maybe it's because I don't give a shit. Anyway, the advert's snared two people who both want to meet the twat.

I feel like he's going to sabotage this.

I asked him when he could meet them to sort something out and he refused to give me a date. This is fucked up. Why on earth am I jumping through all these hoops? Sure, I want to leave and it's my responsibility to find someone to move in here after I leave, but I could just as easily withold the rent for a month and then just move the fuck out. I've gone to all the effort of trying to find someone who will genuinely be a good flatmate and now the end is in sight the twat is being really unhelpful. This is a wee bit out of order if you ask me.

The two people who came to see the room seemed really lovely. One of them is a sweet girl who works in marketing, but works for the same company I work for, so this could possibly disqualify her because I don't want her to come running to me when the twatmate upsets her. The other is German, 'nuff said Jah?

The latter is probably a better candidate as she seems quite strong willed and will not put up with the twat's shite, but I have a feeling that if he were to meet either one of them, then he'd choose the former. I think I may not tell him about her to avoid any unpleasantness at work. Does this make me A Bad Person?

Oh, also, I had a wee bit of last minute doubt about moving out of here after cleaning up the place. The new place I'm going to be moving into has no dishwasher and the room is also smaller. It does seem like it has more storage space though. However, when a polite request to the twat to turn down the shite TV he was playing at earsplitting volume yielded a reply of "I've only got it up so loud because you two are chatting so loudly" I was reminded double quick about why I'm getting the fuck out. That and the fact that it will cost me £200 a month less and allow me to live with some people who actually seem decent.

Guilt

Well, alea jacta est.

People have begun to call about the flat already. I've got one viewing for this evening at six and another person has e-mailed expressing interest in the place. I'm starting to feel guilty about this as they both seem nice from the limited interaction I've had with them.

I've always lived with friends or a partner ever since I moved out of home. I've lived with randoms once, and to be honest, the easiest living experience I had was with the randoms. A cleaner came round once a week to clean away the mess. Sure, some people took the piss with the washing up, but a few days later it would be sorted out. There wasn't the disappointment you feel when living with friends about the mess they've made and having to clean up after them. I honestly think this may work out better for the Twat. He may learn something about living with a random. Or will his twattiness drive them away in 10 seconds flat? For his sake I hope it's the former, but I'll believe that when I see it. I'm not holding out much hope, but I'm feeling a wee bit guilty about foisting him on a poor, unsuspecting person.

Or it's because they're both women and they're probably going to be hot? This is London after all. Actually, it's just a viewing, they may just hate the place and not want to move in after all.

Moving Out

It's finally happened.

I've found some people who'd like me to live with them. I've put up an advert on Gumtree for the room I'm currently living in. Now I just need to wait for the suckers to bite. If they don't, well, tough.

Here's where I live in.

The Beautiful Kitchen

The kitchen in this place was amazing. The oven was fan assisted, at eye level and lit. Perfection for any sort of baking. I'd like to think I made good use of it.

Note The Shagpile Rug

I take no responsibility for that horrible, fucking rug. It is a monstrosity. As if "the wicked picture" of a silhouetted woman weren't tacky enough, my twatmate purchased this rug so the living room would scream "MID LIFE CRISIS" even louder than his carefully dyed hair.

This Is Where The Magic Happens

Well, some magic did happen there. But not enough for it to be worth what I paid for it. Plus it was right next to the shitter so being woken up by my flatmate making a deposit wasn't fun.

Here's a link to the advert I put up for this place. Note that I have lied extensively about my flatmate. If I were being truthful this would read something along the lines of the following:

I am moving out of this room because my twatmate who has been fleecing me for renting this shithole of a room has forced me to move out. If you move in you can expect to live with a vain, narcissistic, homophobic, unhygienic, inconsiderate, argumentative, uncompromising, hypocritical cunt.

The cunt will fleece you for bills. He currently has me subsidising the Virgin+ box in his room and thinks I don't know it. The cunt eats my food and then lies about it. The cunt nicks my washing tabs and lies when confronted about it. The cunt also leaves hairs in the fucking bath despite me asking him several times not to. Basically, you will be living with a cunt and I hope you are as much of a cunt as this cunt so you can have some sort of cunt-off and wind up killing each other so this universe will have two less cunts. Don't forget I'll be rooting for you because I cannot imagine someone who's a bigger cunt than the one I live with and living in Britain has taught me to support the underdog.

I'm being optimistic, I know. But after all the shit I've had to go through this month I have been long overdue some good news and I am going to revel in this for as long as I can.

Hilarious

I am bisexual.

Well, bi-curious.

Well, let's just say I've not been curious for a while. So I'm what is left over once the curiosity has been assuaged. I guess what I'm saying is even though strawberry is my favourite flavour if chocolate was all that was left in the freezer then I'd have some. My preference is definitely for strawberry. Especially strawberry with long blonde hair, pretty eyes and a great body. I had some strawberry like that once. I think her name was Laura. Yes, definitely Laura. I had some other strawberry that had short brown hair and was quite feisty, her name was Laura too. Anyway, I digress. Boarding school is probably why I don't mind chocolate. Well, boarding school and a very sexually liberal upbringing. Cheers Mum and Dad! I wonder what happened to my last scoop of chocolate. He's probably earning a crust in the city somewhere. Little rascal.

Someone in our circle of friends told the twatmate that I'd batted for both sides once. Apparently his reaction was absolute disbelief and they had to console him by lying to him and saying they were winding him up.

The other day I told him this was actually true. He was shocked. It started with me winding him up about it and saying I was considering bringing a man back home. He begged me not to bring a man back to the flat. This was his reason:

"Please don't bring a man back. I am not homophobic, but the thought of men having sex is repulsive to me."

He said this with a completely straight face. The definition of homophobia in the dictionary is fear or contempt of homosexuals and homosexual practices. Perhaps they use a different dictionary in the north?

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Salmonella Anyone?

This is foil wrapping the wire rack that sits on top of the grill. I found this when I wanted to use the oven the other day. Apparently it's alright to keep using the foil despite having cooked meat and other things repeatedly on it. Possibly a lifetime of this practice has made my Twatmate immune to anything that can cause food poisoning?

Anyway, should I stay or should I go now?

I'm back from some more festivalling. My flatmate is away on holiday so I picked this time to stay home and do some revising. I've now told him I'm not happy staying here and I want to move out but it is going to be difficult because he wants someone else to move in and replace me. I offered to put up an ad on Gumtree but he wants to veto them. There is no chance of anyone who'd put up with him living here, as my flatmate interviewing someone to be a replacement flatmate would be like Alan Sugar interviewing someone to be the next person he fires. Plus, my room is basically a boiler cupboard and having had a look at what else is available there is no chance anyone is going to move in here and pay the same money I'm paying. This means I will not be able to put a deposit down on a new place even if I were to find one because my twatmate will need to find a sucker to move in here first before he will return my deposit.

I'm going to advertise the room while he's away and see what kind of interest it generates. If I can find someone stupid enough to move in then at least I'll have something to work with. If there's no interest then I can indicate this to him and tell him I'm going to be reducing my rent payment by a certain amount to reflect this. Let's see how it goes.

So, to recap, I dislike my flatmate today as he is an unhygeinic twat and he is being an ungracious wanker about letting me move out.

It's Time

Tonight I'm going to attempt to have "The Talk" with my flatmate.

I'm not looking forward to it. The guy's actually been nice to me over the past couple of days or so. He's also going on holiday fairly soon so I guess he's got something to look forward to.

I need to look for somewhere else to live. I like this flat, but I cannot keep living in a glorified boiler room with no heating that I pay a fortune for and have to tiptoe around every second of the day and have to listen to crap telly for most of the time.

My flatmate is a good person, but I don't think he's a good flatmate. Ultimately this is why I want to get out of here. Plus not paying a small fortune would be nice too.