Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fungi

My flatmate has left for a couple of weeks to venture back up North where he was spawned.

I lived in a state of bliss for a few days and even started to miss him for a bit. Fortunately, in his infinite kindness he left me something to remember him by.

In case you cannot tell, it used to be some of Somerfield's finest cheddar which was tastefully hidden on the top shelf of the fridge. I am not a tall man so imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when my questing hands clutched this.

This is an obviously out of date onion. It is so out of date it has begun to liquefy.

And this used to be a lettuce.

He gets back on Wednesday. I cannot wait!

Still Sulking...

It has been close to a week and my flatmate is still not speaking to me. I even asked the ingrate if he wanted a cup of tea yesterday which he declined.

I honestly don't know what his problem is.

I'll update this blog biweekly and aim for at least two pictures a week so it's interesting to those of you who don't read so good and don't know how to do other stuff good too.

Oh, and a saucepan from yesterday is still on the side of the kitchen.

24 Hours Later

The manky baking tray is still where it was last night and fuck knows if the moron is going to clean it up.

Look at those crumbs. He must have had toast, or crumbs for tea and dropped a few.

Also, the dishwasher which I turned on two days ago has still not been unloaded.

I honestly wouldn't mind his attitude to these things but the double standard makes me seethe. Well, for about two seconds, it's funny after that. Even worse, he is now sulking at me. I found him asleep in his underwear on the sofa. He heard me come in, waited till I'd gone upstairs so he wouldn't have to talk to me and then went into his room. He is over 10 years older than me and is behaving like a little child.

Sigh...

How I Hate Living With You

Here I will count (list) the ways.

My flatmate and I were friends before we moved in together. I now detest living with him. Unfortunately I do not detest living with him enough to move out of here because:

• It is amazingly convenient for work and London in general
• It is a gorgeous flat

I'm going to catalogue why I hate living with him so I may eventually show this to him one day if either:

• Things change and he becomes a decent person to live with
  
• I move out

Please understand that I do not hate him. As a person he is loyal and there are few others I'd rather have on my side in a fight (apart from Chuck Norris et al). However, I do not get into fights a lot, but I do live in my flat a lot and it is getting even more difficult to keep living here each month.

First, let me give you some background on why I've created this.

My flatmate thinks he is tidy

Is he fuck.
When my flatmate says he is tidy he means he is basically able to ignore the mess he makes while magnifying the mess I make times a thousand. He will leave a mess on the worktops in the kitchen behind for me to clean up but if I were to leave a single pot overnight in the kitchen then he will go ballistic. For example, I once left a mound of pepper he'd spilt on the chopping board to see how long it would take for him to clean it up. A week later, I cleaned it up when I cleaned the kitchen.

Other things he does that piss me off cleanliness wise are:

• Leaving hairs in the bath. Personally I do not care, but it is not the done thing so he should clean up behind him. I've told him several times but he does not seem to have understood that he needs to wait for the bath to drain before cleaning it.
• He leaves packaging from groceries lying around.
• If it's inconvenient to get rid of packaging he will shove it into the nearest cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind eh?

Don't even get me started on the double standards.

Socially, the following things piss me off:

• He has no tact. I cannot count the number of times I've had to make peace with women he has offended by leching at when we've been on a night out. Even worse, he will not leave me in peace with the girls who seem interested in me. For example, I met a great girl on Friday night and he came over and could not pick up on the fact that we wanted him to go away at all. Eventually she had to leave with her friend whom he'd managed to offend earlier in the night, cheers for the cockblock mate!
• He has shown up while I was on a date because he wanted to know if I could pick up some bread from the shops. He walked into my room while I was having sex with someone and asked to know where his towel was - in his boxers. The poor girl was so frightened that it took a championship level effort in sweet talking to stop her leaving the flat then and there.
• He told my cousin who was visiting that there was a great view up her skirt when she was on the stairs while he was underneath them.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to stop by listing what he has done today which he does not do because he is tidy and because he is an inconsiderate fuck.

1. There is a bunch of cutlery in the sink which does not need to be there. We have a dishwasher for fuck's sake.
2. There is a manky baking tray with water in it by the side of the sink. Once again, we have a dishwasher for fuck's sake.
3. He has left the speaker cable he bought to wire up the new speakers in the lounge. This would not be tolerated were it me who'd done it.
4. There is a tacky as fuck picture with a silhouette of a woman in heels filled in with what looks like Andy Warhol's acid nightmare. I told him I did not like it but he's gotten it and hung it up in the lounge the cunt.

Enough for today. Sleep beckons and I am knackered after my nearly 10k run today.